


Girls Have Cooties

by chelztoddbrooke



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Family, Fluff, Godfather Sirius Black, Kid Fic, M/M, Protective Remus Lupin, School, Sirius Black Being an Idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-28 02:30:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10066433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelztoddbrooke/pseuds/chelztoddbrooke
Summary: “Well, you see…” Sirius chuckled nervously. “He asked why we didn’t have any girls at our house and I might have told him…”“That girls have cooties?!” Remus squawked. “You finally had the opportunity we’ve been waiting for to explain gay relationships to him and you went with ‘girls have cooties’.” He was in disbelief.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Things you need to know:  
> 1.Part of the "Getting to Sirius" universe  
> 2.Harry is in morning kindergarten.  
> 3.The pacing of this may be a little funny.  
> 4.Remus is a teacher/professor and I have no idea what Sirius is up to these days.  
> 5\. I love the hell out of that "Sirius Black being an idiot" tag. :)
> 
> This one is actually fluffy. Carry on. Enjoy.

“Sirius Orion Black!” Remus shouted as he slammed through the house. Sirius appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, leaning a shoulder against the frame, looking irritatingly unhurried. Remus leveled a glare at his husband.

“What did I do?,” the man in question mused. “You only use my middle name _and_ maiden name when I am in big trouble.”

“Tell me why I received a call from Harry’s school telling me the boy is inconsolable because his teacher is a girl.” Remus started. Sirius folded his arms and quirked an eyebrow, not yet catching on to what this had to do with him. “Harry was screaming that the poor woman had cooties and if she gave him cooties, you would not let him back in the house. Something you said?” his husband continued. With that, Sirius blanched a little.

“Oh. That.” He replied, swallowing thickly.

“Care to explain?” Remus pressed.

“Well, you see…” Sirius chuckled nervously. “He asked why we didn’t have any girls at our house and I might have told him…”

“That girls have cooties?!” Remus squawked. “You finally had the opportunity we’ve been waiting for to explain gay relationships to him and you went with ‘girls have cooties’.” He was in disbelief.

“It seemed like the right answer at the time?” Sirius tried, but when Remus turned a distinct shade of purple, he backpedaled. “Look Moon, I’m no good with those kind of conversations. That’s more your area, you know that,” he added sheepishly.

“Then why didn’t you send him to me?” Remus sighed, exasperated.

“You weren’t home and the kid needed an answer. I didn’t think he’d take it to heart,” Sirius shrugged.

“Right. Well, put some shoes on, we have to go,” Remus instructed.

“Go where?” Sirius wasn’t sure why this conversation meant they had to go somewhere.

“To Harry’s school. They can’t get Harry calmed down and worse yet, they think you threatened to kick him out of our house. I would like to clear this up before they call social services,” Remus sighed again.

“That’s crazy. He’s a four year old talking about cooties. Who kicks their kid out over cooties?” Sirius grumbled as he pulled on his boots.

“No one to blame but yourself, love,” his husband reminded. Sirius scowled at him.

* * *

“Russ! Moony!” Harry yelped, running at them. His eyes were red rimmed and worried. Sirius instantly felt guilty. The guilt increased tenfold when the child avoided him in favor of Remus’s welcoming arms.

“Hey sunshine,” Remus greeted, tucking the distraught boy against his chest.

“My teacher is a girl and she might have cooties and if she has cooties and gived them to me Russ will be so mad,” Harry let out on one long breath.

“Russ is not mad, and he won’t be. Your teacher does not have cooties,” Remus tried to reassure him.

“But she’s a girl. Girls have cooties, that’s why Russ won’t let any of them in our house,” Harry wasn’t convinced.

“Russ was wrong, we’ll talk about it later, ok? First we need to talk to your teacher,” Remus responded, resisting the urge to glare at his husband.

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” the secretary offered brightly.

“That ok?” Remus checked with Harry.

“Does she have cooties?” Harry wondered. This time Remus did glare at Sirius. He made an uncomfortable face.

“Cootie free, I’ve had my shots,” the woman replied. Remus thanked her with a nod.

“We’ll be right back, bud,” Sirius said to Harry, hoping to dispel some of the boy’s notion that he was upset with him.

* * *

“Remus, I can clear this up on my own,” Sirius volunteered, deciding to swallow his pride and face the consequences of his hapless comment. He had embarrassed Remus enough already. It wasn’t fair to force him to explain to these people that his husband was an idiot. Again.

“Yeah, right. Leaving you alone was how we got into this mess,” Remus snorted, threading his arm through Sirius’s and tugging him towards the principal’s office.

“Hello?” Sirius started, knocking as they pushed their way into the office. The principal was sitting with the teacher and who he assumed was the counselor.

“Russ and Moony, I presume?” the woman he didn’t recognize started. He glanced at her name badge to confirm his suspicions. Counselor.

“Uh, yeah. Um, Sirius and Remus actually. Sirius and Remus Lupin, tactless guardians of the young Harry Potter,” he introduced himself and his husband with what he hoped was his most charming smile. It apparently fell flat as the woman’s expression only darkened.

“This is not a joke, Mr. Lupin,” the principal mentioned gruffly. Sirius whirled his head around to look at the man, suddenly felt less willing to lie down on his sword. Mistakes were made, but there was no ill intention. He didn’t feel he warranted an attack.

“Oh come on, he’s upset about cooties. He’s a kid. It’s funny. Yes, I didn’t think it would traumatize him. I was just avoiding an awkward conversation about my sexuality. It’s like saying babies come from the stork,” Sirius responded flippantly.

“You gave him the idea there was something wrong with me. Something wrong with women. And you made him feel like he wouldn’t be allowed in your house if he spent time with women,” the teacher spoke up.

“And I apologize for that. It was not intentional. There was just a misunderstanding. Harry was curious and asked why he didn’t have a female parent. I was not at a point where I felt comfortable discussing either his mother’s death or my sexuality with him, so I said something to distract him,” Sirius explained. “I never threatened to kick him out. He has an active imagination, which may also be my fault as we encourage that in our house. But I assure you, that boy is my everything I will go to my grave defending his wellbeing,”

“Well if you took more care with the things you say, you might not have to defend his wellbeing so often,” the counselor remarked snidely.

“We don’t want to make this a bigger deal than it is, but we are very concerned about this and how it reflects on Harry’s home environment. We want to know our students are coming from somewhere stable and safe.” the principal mentioned.

 “Alright,” Remus cut in as he watched the tension flood Sirius body. Things would only get ugly if they kept going the way they were. He reached over a discretely pinched Sirius’s forearm. Sirius looked at him incredulously, not wanting to be pulled from the fight. Remus sent him a look that showed it was not up for discussion.

“Sirius made a mistake, said the wrong thing. I have been with the man for almost half my life. More often than not he says the wrong thing. But he has the most well intentioned heart of anyone I’ve ever met. So I don’t take kindly to the fact that you are trying to crucify him for this. He apologized. Our home is very safe and very stable. We’ll talk to Harry and sort everything out,” he defended his husband.

“Are we done here?” Sirius asked smugly, feeling Remus had successfully put the three of them in their place. The principal nodded awkwardly, really having no reason to keep the men. Neither the teacher nor the counselor looked happy at being so easily disregarded. Sirius just shot them another charming grin.

“Did you just defend my honor?” Sirius grinned as Remus pulled him back out of the office.

“Of course I did. You may be an idiot, but you are my idiot,” he huffed, rounding the corner to find Harry coloring with the secretary.

“You ready to go home, sunshine?” Remus asked. Harry looked up at them, his eyes still wide with concern.

“I’m not mad, Hairball. Let’s go, we can take Mooooony to lunch before he has to go back to work,” Sirius interjected, reaching for Harry’s hand.

* * *

“How was Harry this afternoon?” Remus asked when he finally returned home from teaching evening classes.

“After I convinced him I wasn’t mad…fine,” Sirius shrugged.

“Well now we either have to tell him why we have no girls in our family, or find him a new school,” Remus mused.

“The school down the block looks nice,” Sirius teased. Remus playfully shoved him. “Fine, I will tell him that you stole my heart long before a woman ever could and sometimes it just works that way.” He conceded, pressing a kiss to Remus’s cheek.

“You could have just told him that the first time,” Remus sighed, slumping against his husband.

“Well, then we wouldn’t have such a charming rapport with the principal _and_  the counselor,” Sirius chuckled, running his fingers through Remus’s messy hair.

“Yes, it would be such a same for them to think we were two normal guys capable of raising a well-adjusted little boy,” Remus countered.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is about Harry, but Harry is decidedly absent for the most part. I just wanted to keep it Remus/Sirius centric. Sorry!


End file.
